How we Choose to be Happy

This must be one of the best books I’ve read. I’ll use the points to write my penny but no, this is not a book review. It was written by Rick Foster and Greg Hicks, first published in 1999.

The 9 choices that extremely happy people makes:
1. Intention
So, you think this is obvious and easy? Some people have to be told! Just as my daughter has to be told to close her eyes in order to sleep (and she always respond with a defiant “open my eyes to sleep!” I don’t know –maybe that works for her). The question is: do you Intend or Choose to be Happy? Don’t kid yourself –some people choose to dwell in misery because they think that is the way they’ll get attention or concern from others. But in the long run, I can guarantee you that you’ll tire people out; people will not feel special being with you, nor do they want to be with you. You’ll be effectively pushing people away from you if you choose the other extreme. “That is why happy people have happy friends”. And when I think of the friends I have, I agree. Try to think of someone who’s in constant misery or pain – do you think that person has more happy or unhappy friends?

2. Accountability
I am having a lot of issues with someone close to me on this in my private life. I’ll call her Apple. Apple does not feel accountable for many things in her life. When one is not accountable, the next thing that happens is blame. Then, you start blaming others for your unhappiness. I am learning not to play this game with her. I need to stop this cycle myself. It is not easy, just as I hope Apple will one day learn that things happen because they do and when it happens, there’s no one to blame. Even if your plumber did a bad job of fixing the toilet, we can still be happy if we intend (choose) to.

3. Identification
I remember my best friend, Mel, who lives in the States. I saw her mum recently, who casually mentioned that she just spoke with Mel over the phone and the usual “Mel’s juggling with 4 kids”. “But you know her”, with reference to Mel’s attitude. Yes, I do know her. She is one of the most cheerful persons around. I think it is a gift to know her. I thought it was Singapore’s gift to America, to have such a cheerful person living in their midst. Yes, I certainly think Cheerful and Joyfulness is Mel’s identity.

Well, the authors were not really referring to a person’s cheerful identity. They meant the things that we identify with, which make us happy. And it is different for different people. Mine is to sit around at the alfresco coffee shops IN SINGAPORE to drink tea. That is why I have a nickname ‘kopi soh’ (coffee shop lady boss) from my school friends. Ah, the simple pleasures of life…

4. Centrality
Writing to me is what music is to some. Now that it is clearer to me, I realized I should stop giving myself excuses (yeah, including baby). Then perhaps there won’t be another phrase that goes “I have no life!” What is yours (ps/ kids not included!)?

5. Recasting
One recast I can remember doing - at school, after a failed romantic relationship, was walking up this long stairway in the university compound. Day after day, lunch after lunch, weeks after weeks, did I even reach months? I cannot remember. I just remembered I took one step at a time, to feel the loss, to feel the pain, and to know that if I could take a step forward, and look forward, my pain would one day go away –because I’ve felt the pain and because I intend to live joyfully.

6. Options
I guess this is an area which I’m pretty good at. I believe it’s easier for some than others because it depends on one’s personality. Try it –we have to learn not to do things our way. You might find yourself happier.

7. Appreciation
This is one area which I need to work on; especially with my mother.

8. Giving
I am extremely uncomfortable with the word ‘sacrifice’. And I don’t like giving to be done, so that one might ‘feel good’ or give in order to be accepted. I think giving itself has to be an act of joy. You give because you enjoy giving. Too many people give things. I think we should learn to give our time and a listening ear. Have you thought of giving empathy? It does not cost but it sure is difficult.

9. Truthfulness
There was a time in my life when I wasn’t governed by truthfulness. What happens in broad daylight wasn’t all there was to Jeanne. That made me extremely unhappy. When I first started my job in 1990, there was one occasion I used my lunch hour to photocopy some personal music scores. My boss walked into the photocopying machine room and caught me in the act. I felt embarrassed because I was using company resources for something personal (this is obviously an issue to me, than to others). I used this incident as a reminder never to do anything that I wouldn’t like, when others catch me in the act. Nevertheless, it is difficult because old habits die hard. I went on in life to do other major sinful acts, of which I cannot mention because it’ll hurt the people around me. But I am happier now because I’ve given up all these jian(4) bu(4) de(2) guang(1) de(4) shi(4) (a Chinese saying: “acts which cannot be brought out into the daylight for others to see”).

If you do read the book, please DO read the Afterword – you will understand then that happiness is a choice people make; not something within your reach only if you are born into a “good” environment.

jeanne anne hsi, first written in 2006 for a friend who was depressed and suicidal.

The day I ran home without my shoes

Before I say what happened this evening, let me share with you that my friend and I agreed that sometimes we have a bias attitude with regards to the poor. We often feel sad and sorry for them. We wonder if it’s better off for them not to bring children into this world (“to suffer”). That can be terribly, terribly high-handed. For, to bring children into this world is Life in itself. Living on the streets is their way of living, much as our living in flats.

So you see, I have a lot of ideals about gifts being unconditional and useful. And please, there’s no such thing as a "free" gift.

[Am working on what happened last evening.]

The act itself is neither right nor wrong. You might think it noble but I fear it imposing. However, it’s hilariously ridiculous. When was the last time you did something crazy? I assure you it does lift us out of our self-inflicted pains. jeanne anne hsi

This little Jesus (thumb to little finger)

This little Jesus was born in the stable.
This little Jesus got lost in the temple.
This little Jesus lived a full life.
This little Jesus suffered and died.
This little Jesus is Alive! Happy Easter!! jeanne anne hsi

OUR LITANY OF COMPLAINTS

Growing up, i felt people had too many things to complain.
i thought: Perhaps people might find themselves happier if they
were more content with their lot. As a society, is the older
generation somewhat responsible for breeding a younger
generation of spoilt brats?

After the birth of Zoe, i started behaving like Lot's wife*.
i would greet my husband, after a long and arduous day, as he
steps into our home, with, "Today, your daughter blah, Blah,
BLAH! #@%&XO!!" Is it that difficult to delight in the JOYS of
our children when we still have them? i have two friends, whose
daughters died when they were seven-years old. One, after
suffering and struggling several years from a terminal illness, and
the other, from an accident in the shower.


Yesterday, i took my friend, an asylum seeker in the country
i am currently residing, to the public library. i wanted to sponsor
her membership so that she could have access to books to read
to her three-years old boy and eight-months old infant. The
librarian clearly did not want to embarrass us with the reason
for rejection. (We did not have the necessary papers). i was
disappointed but my friend, in her usual sweet-natured demeanor,
said, "That's OK. I'm used to it. They always say i'm not a citizen
of this country."

She then shared with me how difficult it was to get her son enrolled
into a local school. Yet with each sigh, she ends them with a broad
smile, "That's OK. Maybe some day, things will get better." Now,
compared with someone denied of such a basic cognitive need, how
short can our day-to-day's imperfections be?


The next time you want to complain about something, think. Is it
worth nurturing that side of you? jeanne anne hsi


*: In the Old Testament, Lot's wife complained about everything.
She was subsequently turned into stone, as a punishment by God.

desperate housewives

Often and all too quickly, some mothers that I’m meeting for the first time asks me what my last occupation was. Perhaps they’re eager to tell me what theirs was. Give me and yourselves a break - I don’t “Need to know” that you were a former lawyer or some high-flying professional; I can tell by the way you sing, teach and speak with your children that you are a capable and a highly educated person.

I am uncomfortable telling people my last career designation because I strongly feel that we are more than our jobs. I do not feel compelled to fill my time up with activities. I do, however, feel responsible to waste time with my child so that she feels loved and secured. My greatest JOY was seeing her enthusiasm at PLAY and my biggest achievement was her interaction with black, white and yellow-skinned kids without any inhibition.

I am one of the few mothers that I know who wants her child to grow up slowly and enjoy her childhood. When Zoe was first born, my hubby and I had this debate about getting the child up to speed for doing things independently - no prizes for guessing what my stand was!

My take is that a child should first be loved. All other things will fall in placed in its own time, at its own course. Why hurry things? We didn’t used to go to kindergarten till we were five or six, did we? We have a whole lifetime to work (and that includes studying and writing!), and for now, I think Zoe has a right to grow at her own pace. jeanne anne hsi

Making a Christian retreat@home

I’m not sure if it came across as flattery to Mel and J. I shared with them that staying with them for three weeks was like making a Christian retreat. Oh, how I miss making retreats with a large community of people! Since marriage and now with a child, leaving home to make a prayer retreat is almost impossible.

When we make retreats with a big community, we sometimes lose focus. The original intent is to get away from our familiar workspace or family environment to come close to Jesus. However, we get distracted with the many people we need to interact with. The speaker who delivered a good speech, the facilitator who did a good job, the new acquaintances whom we find a niche with and the friends we went along with to the retreat.

Some years back, the mission group that I’m with held a “mission orientation program”. The daily schedule was intentionally left out so that the participants could experience for themselves that mission work is often “schedule less”. However, people were uneasy and uncomfortable with the lack of anticipation and control. In this retreat at my friends’ home, there is no program to follow. Only lots of self-imposed silence and the discipline to perform a few irregularities from our regular chores.

A home retreat would seem lack of the most important ingredient -the spiritual inputs that we receive from the speaker. We spend the entire day looking after the kids, doing household chores, “firefighting” and playing with the babies. However, in a home retreat, we can still experience spiritual inputs when we observe Jesus’ manifestation in the children, through the many happenings during the day. In this retreat, I continue to make time for prayer. Even if it were for five or ten minutes a day. Even if we sang the angelus and the kids ask why are we singing three hail marys and when’s it gonna end. Finally, i take baby steps to stop my cycle of negativity and re-commit myself towards choosing Joy in my life instead of sensationalized news.

If I am serious about this retreat (I still have a couple of weeks left), I should go further into silence. Not just with my words but also with my thoughts. I quote from Henri Nouwen, “The exchange of countless details about people’s lives can often create more distance than closeness. Words are important in order to come close, but too many words create distance. Not every event has to be told, not every idea has to be exchanged. Once an atmosphere of mutual trust is present, we can be silent together and let the Lord be the one who speaks gently and softly. Listening together to Jesus is a very powerful way to grow closer to each other and reach a level of intimacy that no interpersonal exchange of words can bring. A silence lived together in the presence of Jesus will also continue to bear many fruits in the future. It seems as if a caring silence can enter deeper into our memory than many caring words. But to create this silence requires much spiritual work.”

Wherever possible, it is good to make annual or more frequent retreats. But I guess we should get recharged from our retreats and look forward to returning to our regular communities. jeanne anne hsi