How we Choose to be Happy
This must be one of the best books I’ve read. I’ll use the points to write my penny but no, this is not a book review. It was written by Rick Foster and Greg Hicks, first published in 1999.
The 9 choices that extremely happy people makes:
1. Intention
So, you think this is obvious and easy? Some people have to be told! Just as my daughter has to be told to close her eyes in order to sleep (and she always respond with a defiant “open my eyes to sleep!” I don’t know –maybe that works for her). The question is: do you Intend or Choose to be Happy? Don’t kid yourself –some people choose to dwell in misery because they think that is the way they’ll get attention or concern from others. But in the long run, I can guarantee you that you’ll tire people out; people will not feel special being with you, nor do they want to be with you. You’ll be effectively pushing people away from you if you choose the other extreme. “That is why happy people have happy friends”. And when I think of the friends I have, I agree. Try to think of someone who’s in constant misery or pain – do you think that person has more happy or unhappy friends?
2. Accountability
I am having a lot of issues with someone close to me on this in my private life. I’ll call her Apple. Apple does not feel accountable for many things in her life. When one is not accountable, the next thing that happens is blame. Then, you start blaming others for your unhappiness. I am learning not to play this game with her. I need to stop this cycle myself. It is not easy, just as I hope Apple will one day learn that things happen because they do and when it happens, there’s no one to blame. Even if your plumber did a bad job of fixing the toilet, we can still be happy if we intend (choose) to.
3. Identification
I remember my best friend, Mel, who lives in the States. I saw her mum recently, who casually mentioned that she just spoke with Mel over the phone and the usual “Mel’s juggling with 4 kids”. “But you know her”, with reference to Mel’s attitude. Yes, I do know her. She is one of the most cheerful persons around. I think it is a gift to know her. I thought it was Singapore’s gift to America, to have such a cheerful person living in their midst. Yes, I certainly think Cheerful and Joyfulness is Mel’s identity.
Well, the authors were not really referring to a person’s cheerful identity. They meant the things that we identify with, which make us happy. And it is different for different people. Mine is to sit around at the alfresco coffee shops IN SINGAPORE to drink tea. That is why I have a nickname ‘kopi soh’ (coffee shop lady boss) from my school friends. Ah, the simple pleasures of life…
4. Centrality
Writing to me is what music is to some. Now that it is clearer to me, I realized I should stop giving myself excuses (yeah, including baby). Then perhaps there won’t be another phrase that goes “I have no life!” What is yours (ps/ kids not included!)?
5. Recasting
One recast I can remember doing - at school, after a failed romantic relationship, was walking up this long stairway in the university compound. Day after day, lunch after lunch, weeks after weeks, did I even reach months? I cannot remember. I just remembered I took one step at a time, to feel the loss, to feel the pain, and to know that if I could take a step forward, and look forward, my pain would one day go away –because I’ve felt the pain and because I intend to live joyfully.
6. Options
I guess this is an area which I’m pretty good at. I believe it’s easier for some than others because it depends on one’s personality. Try it –we have to learn not to do things our way. You might find yourself happier.
7. Appreciation
This is one area which I need to work on; especially with my mother.
8. Giving
I am extremely uncomfortable with the word ‘sacrifice’. And I don’t like giving to be done, so that one might ‘feel good’ or give in order to be accepted. I think giving itself has to be an act of joy. You give because you enjoy giving. Too many people give things. I think we should learn to give our time and a listening ear. Have you thought of giving empathy? It does not cost but it sure is difficult.
9. Truthfulness
There was a time in my life when I wasn’t governed by truthfulness. What happens in broad daylight wasn’t all there was to Jeanne. That made me extremely unhappy. When I first started my job in 1990, there was one occasion I used my lunch hour to photocopy some personal music scores. My boss walked into the photocopying machine room and caught me in the act. I felt embarrassed because I was using company resources for something personal (this is obviously an issue to me, than to others). I used this incident as a reminder never to do anything that I wouldn’t like, when others catch me in the act. Nevertheless, it is difficult because old habits die hard. I went on in life to do other major sinful acts, of which I cannot mention because it’ll hurt the people around me. But I am happier now because I’ve given up all these jian(4) bu(4) de(2) guang(1) de(4) shi(4) (a Chinese saying: “acts which cannot be brought out into the daylight for others to see”).
If you do read the book, please DO read the Afterword – you will understand then that happiness is a choice people make; not something within your reach only if you are born into a “good” environment.
jeanne anne hsi, first written in 2006 for a friend who was depressed and suicidal.
The 9 choices that extremely happy people makes:
1. Intention
So, you think this is obvious and easy? Some people have to be told! Just as my daughter has to be told to close her eyes in order to sleep (and she always respond with a defiant “open my eyes to sleep!” I don’t know –maybe that works for her). The question is: do you Intend or Choose to be Happy? Don’t kid yourself –some people choose to dwell in misery because they think that is the way they’ll get attention or concern from others. But in the long run, I can guarantee you that you’ll tire people out; people will not feel special being with you, nor do they want to be with you. You’ll be effectively pushing people away from you if you choose the other extreme. “That is why happy people have happy friends”. And when I think of the friends I have, I agree. Try to think of someone who’s in constant misery or pain – do you think that person has more happy or unhappy friends?
2. Accountability
I am having a lot of issues with someone close to me on this in my private life. I’ll call her Apple. Apple does not feel accountable for many things in her life. When one is not accountable, the next thing that happens is blame. Then, you start blaming others for your unhappiness. I am learning not to play this game with her. I need to stop this cycle myself. It is not easy, just as I hope Apple will one day learn that things happen because they do and when it happens, there’s no one to blame. Even if your plumber did a bad job of fixing the toilet, we can still be happy if we intend (choose) to.
3. Identification
I remember my best friend, Mel, who lives in the States. I saw her mum recently, who casually mentioned that she just spoke with Mel over the phone and the usual “Mel’s juggling with 4 kids”. “But you know her”, with reference to Mel’s attitude. Yes, I do know her. She is one of the most cheerful persons around. I think it is a gift to know her. I thought it was Singapore’s gift to America, to have such a cheerful person living in their midst. Yes, I certainly think Cheerful and Joyfulness is Mel’s identity.
Well, the authors were not really referring to a person’s cheerful identity. They meant the things that we identify with, which make us happy. And it is different for different people. Mine is to sit around at the alfresco coffee shops IN SINGAPORE to drink tea. That is why I have a nickname ‘kopi soh’ (coffee shop lady boss) from my school friends. Ah, the simple pleasures of life…
4. Centrality
Writing to me is what music is to some. Now that it is clearer to me, I realized I should stop giving myself excuses (yeah, including baby). Then perhaps there won’t be another phrase that goes “I have no life!” What is yours (ps/ kids not included!)?
5. Recasting
One recast I can remember doing - at school, after a failed romantic relationship, was walking up this long stairway in the university compound. Day after day, lunch after lunch, weeks after weeks, did I even reach months? I cannot remember. I just remembered I took one step at a time, to feel the loss, to feel the pain, and to know that if I could take a step forward, and look forward, my pain would one day go away –because I’ve felt the pain and because I intend to live joyfully.
6. Options
I guess this is an area which I’m pretty good at. I believe it’s easier for some than others because it depends on one’s personality. Try it –we have to learn not to do things our way. You might find yourself happier.
7. Appreciation
This is one area which I need to work on; especially with my mother.
8. Giving
I am extremely uncomfortable with the word ‘sacrifice’. And I don’t like giving to be done, so that one might ‘feel good’ or give in order to be accepted. I think giving itself has to be an act of joy. You give because you enjoy giving. Too many people give things. I think we should learn to give our time and a listening ear. Have you thought of giving empathy? It does not cost but it sure is difficult.
9. Truthfulness
There was a time in my life when I wasn’t governed by truthfulness. What happens in broad daylight wasn’t all there was to Jeanne. That made me extremely unhappy. When I first started my job in 1990, there was one occasion I used my lunch hour to photocopy some personal music scores. My boss walked into the photocopying machine room and caught me in the act. I felt embarrassed because I was using company resources for something personal (this is obviously an issue to me, than to others). I used this incident as a reminder never to do anything that I wouldn’t like, when others catch me in the act. Nevertheless, it is difficult because old habits die hard. I went on in life to do other major sinful acts, of which I cannot mention because it’ll hurt the people around me. But I am happier now because I’ve given up all these jian(4) bu(4) de(2) guang(1) de(4) shi(4) (a Chinese saying: “acts which cannot be brought out into the daylight for others to see”).
If you do read the book, please DO read the Afterword – you will understand then that happiness is a choice people make; not something within your reach only if you are born into a “good” environment.
jeanne anne hsi, first written in 2006 for a friend who was depressed and suicidal.
posted by jeanne anne hsi at 7:57 AM
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